A Crazy Person Writing to God
There’s the pending doom of the mental hospital.
I am afraid to go. I have two days left to wrap up all of my affairs, kiss on my kids, love on my husband and go. It’s not like I’m going to the padded white wall places you hear about. My husband calls it the “The Club Med” of mental health care facilities. I’ve had others tell me this is a month long vacation and how blessed I am. I know this. I am in the driver’s seat this time. This time it isn’t going to be a cot of a bed, tan blankets, hospital gowns and ugly socks. It’s not going to be no mirrors and monitored showers for fear of suicide risks. I’m not going to be deprived of all the luxuries of life. I’ve done that before and I didn’t care for it.
But my family won’t be there whenever I want to see them. I will be restricted from the outside world that I am so used to being part of. I’m told that I will be able to have wifi access at the local library, so fear not, you’ll still hear from me I hope. I want to document this journey for others to experience along with me. I want you to be able to #stepforward with me as I grow stronger.
Today it was put on my heart that I share my journal with you regularly. I am terrified of this. Terrified that you will think I’m a crazy pants. Okay, well that may be true but I’m working on it. Side note: we are all a little crazy pants, so quit judging me. I talk to God in my journal. It’s the way that I’ve found that I’m closest to Him. It’s how I hear Him best. I kneel next to the couch, lay my head on my left shoulder and hold the pen, ready to write. All the thoughts just come to me and I write. It’s sometimes like a dialog in my head. It’s as if He is just talking to me and reassuring me all along. If you don’t believe in God, that’s okay, just think of it as the universe telling me what to do, or my conscious, or whatever fits right with you. You’ll have to change that in your mind for yourself and you might actually get something from it. But for me it’s God.
When I go into mania, I tend to become “hyper-spiritual”. In my journal my writing becomes frantic. Someday I will show you some of that. Today I am grounded. I am calm. Today I am at peace.
So here goes. Gulp. I'm ripping the bandaid off. The unedited version of my journal…
January 8, 2018~
I am always here with you. If you want to talk, I am here. I am your father when you need advice, I am your comforter when you are scared or in pain. Fear not, for I am with you. You will be so much stronger devoting this month to ME & to your health. I need you to be strong.
Thank you God!!!
Thank you for Jesus, thank you for the Holy Spirit. Thank you for Miles, Brycen, Trevor and the baby who is yet to come. Her name is Brinley and her story is yet to be written. I pray that you make her birth come at your timing and at your will - not mine. Please help me to not act on my own fleshy feelings and emotions. I am afraid of sacrificing my stability - but I know you know what is right.
I want you to lead me. I want to be your #1helper, I want to do your will. I want Jesus to be the paramount issue in my life.
THANK YOU! Thank you! Thank you God. Thank you Jesus. Thank you Holy Spirit.
Am I to write my journal today as a blog post?
To help others see My light.
Will anyone care?
Yes. A few at a time. Document your journey. This is how you pray to Me. There are many ways to pray. This one works for you. You are in-tune because you are taking time for Me. I feel you fearing what some may think. Fear not, I am with you. Care not what others think. I am your God.
You are mighty and I am so weak.
I am giving you strength. You grow stronger when you come to me like this.
I am afraid to go [to the treatment center].
Dry your tears. I will wipe them from your cheeks. This is best. Rest your head on my shoulder. I will carry you.
I will miss my family.
They are with you always.
I am afraid to share this with others.
Let Me decide who this is for.
Am I done?
Well there you have it. Was it a conversation with God, or a crazy person talking to God? Let me know in the comments. I’d like to know what you think. Please share this post to help others navigate through their own mental illness.
And wish me luck....
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